Authentic Living

Being on this precipice, and knowing that I have to jump is genuinely the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. Being on this tiny little point has somehow gotten familiar.

For the last two and half years my life has been radically changing. After being laid off in the education system, I decided to stop surviving and begin living. I enrolled in college at 34 and began a dream of art, function and advertising. A year later, I realized that make those dreams happen I had to also go radical with my behavior, and change it as well. I have seen growth, which is fantastic, but in that I have also begun to see that there is real fear. In the time that I have been growing I now know my actual potential. I know that I am capable of greatness.

Now you would think that would be fantastic, and in truth, it is. Knowing that somehow I was given so much is amazing to me. I am truly grateful. But, the other side of that is, I have so much to give. The responsibility to myself, to my children, to my future husband,  and all of the people who have supported me through my change from caterpillar to the butterfly deserve my very best. Yet I know that they will all still be okay with me if I chose mediocre. Everyone except for myself. I will be disappointed in me, and therefor unable to serve the we in a the way that I am intended to.

So I stumble upon this in my morning facebook addiction...

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html


The perspective of being okay with not being okay is tough for me to swallow, because I do carry my measuring stick. Jumping out knowing that I may fail, that I may die not giving everything I had, and at the same time not using that as an excuse to be less then, is as momentous as it is paradoxical. Perhaps the next few months should be getting back to what I knew when I was five...  as Peter Pan said: "To live will be an awfully big adventure."

Someone I love told me to trust it... and well I trust him, and I have made one leap with him that is serving me well. Ready. Set....